O convite
A leitura
A idéia era que eu preparasse um pequeno texto que servisse de base para uma apresentação do trabalho, destinada basicamente a contextualizar os presentes sobre a discussão que se seguiria com a banca. Toca, então, reler o trabalho, que eu não havia ousado abrir desde o dia do depósito. É claro que eu não me lembrava mais nem do tÃtulo – e, já que o mencionei, eis o trambolhão: “A teoria como objeto interno do analista e seus destinos na clÃnica: luto e melancolia como metáfora”. Todo tÃtulo de dissertação ou tese é meio que um trambolho, mas até que fiquei bem satisfeita com o meu, fruto de muita elaboração em análise.
Essa releitura foi um processo emocionante e extremamente recompensador – e também doloroso. A cada parágrafo – a cada idéia desenvolvida – eu ia me lembrando da dedicação e do esforço necessários para chegar à quela construção; mais, eu podia me lembrar precisamente de onde eu estava no momento da redação de cada trecho, e do clima emocional em que o havia escrito. Aqui eu estava mais aflita, lá no consultório – foram necessárias horas de jogo de paciência, unhas roÃdas e copinhos de água para que pudesse destravancar este parágrafo. Mais adiante eu estava em casa e o André fazia macarrão de almoço enquanto eu revisava este outro parágrafo, de dicionário no colo e meia dúzia de livros abertos espalhados pela escrivaninha e pelo chão. Acolá eu aproveitava uma janela antes de uma supervisão na Joana para concluir uma idéia na padaria. Lá no comecinho – a introdução e o primeiro capÃtulo do trabalho, que se basearam no projeto de pesquisa escrito em 2004 -, eu escrevia na companhia do gato Miguilim enquanto meu ex-ex-namorado mixava alguma coisa no estúdio. Bem no fim – parecia anteontem – lá estava eu com a Bel no quarto dela, cortando parênteses desnecessários e diversificando as conjunções adversativas.
Tudo isso foi se desvelando à minha frente à medida que eu avançava, e assim fui capaz de compreender essa idéia-chavã tão disseminada sobre a hora da nossa morte, amém: que a vida toda nos passa pela frente como num filme. Foi mais ou menos isso que experimentei relendo meu trabalho. À emoção revivida com a lembrança do processo de criação de cada parágrafo somava-se um despeitozinho a cada trecho que hoje em dia eu escreveria de forma diferente – pensem no esportista que revê todas as oportunidades perdidas no VT da partida jogada -, ao mesmo tempo que certo alÃvio por perceber o quanto evoluà esse tempo todo: hoje escrevo incomparavelmente melhor do que há 3 anos e meio.
Mas a toda a essa proximidade emocional com a pesquisa contrapunha-se uma distância intelectual: havia alguns meses que eu estava afastada daquelas idéias, e muitas vezes não era capaz de me reconhecer no texto. Sim, eu sabia que havia escrito aquilo, lembrava-me exatamente das circunstâncias – mas a voz que eu ouvia parecia ser de outra pessoa. (E era mesmo, claro: era a voz da Camila de meses ou anos atrás.) Precisei treler e tetraler muita coisa, para me reapropriar de mim mesma.
Ao fim e ao cabo, nada superou um sentimento que, como diz a canção, ninguém jamais poderá tirar de mim: a certeza de ter produzido um trabalho bom, relevante e bem feito. E, com isso, a gratidão por todas as crÃticas que recebi no grupo de orientação ao longo dos anos. A mais marcante delas, para mim, dizia respeito justamente à forma do trabalho. Como sabemos, forma e conteúdo são instâncias que separamos apenas para fins didáticos; decorre daà que a crÃtica ao estilo da escrita não era uma questão apenas de colocação de vÃrgulas, mas um ponto absolutamente crucial ao bom encaminhamento da pesquisa. E tal crÃtica, grosso modo, era a seguinte: o trabalho é tão bonito, tão bem escrito, que o leitor se perde; fica tão seduzido pelas palavras, que perde de vista as idéias. Ou seja, era um trabalho que convidava para o deslumbramento e a sedução, mas não para o pensamento.
Vocês não imaginam o tanto que sofri para transformar isso. Eu sabia do enorme risco que o texto corria de ficar uma loira-burra, isto é, com frases tão atraentes e sofisticadas quanto vazias, desprovidas de conteúdo. Em suma, e para resumir essa transformação, eu diria que a gostosona dentro de mim precisou acolher e abraçar a velhinha que também sou eu.
Consegui. E a gostosona não precisou ficar menos peituda para isso. O trabalho continua muito bem escrito – embora, claro, sempre vou achar que poderia ter ficado melhor -, mas a sedução se foi. Cada palavra escolhida, cada parágrafo escrito foi submetido a um escrutÃnio impiedoso em que eu me perguntava com toda a honestidade: a serviço de quê escrevi isso aqui? Se encontrava resposta diferente de “a serviço do trabalho” (isto é, a serviço de tal e tal idéia), eu parava e revia e reformulava e reescrevia até sentir que o texto mobilizava – em oposição a paralisar – o pensamento. Porque no fundo, no fundo, eu sabia quando o texto trabalhava e quando apenas enredava o leitor.
Tanto eu sabia, que pude transformá-lo, a partir de um trabalho que foi tanto de análise quanto de pesquisa acadêmica. Minha dissertação ficou quem eu sou: o encontro da jovem gostosa com a velhinha maternal possibilitou a criação de uma pesquisa-mulher.
Ṇo escrevi um texto estruturado para guiar minha apresenta̤̣o. Preferi recorrer a pequenos apontamentos escritos num papel amassado e repleto de setas, grifos, rabiscos e estrelinhas Рpara uma apresenta̤̣o oral, funciona bem melhor.
A roupa
Que roupa usar numa defesa? Na época, eu não sabia que pessoas se especializavam em responder perguntas como essa; então, tive de respondê-la eu mesma. Num primeiro momento, pensei em comprar alguma coisa nova, um vestido que fosse colorido e sóbrio. Rapidamente mudei de idéia, não só devido à inexistência factual de um tal vestido, como pelo medo de ter esse dia marcado como “o dia em que eu estava tão bonita porque usei aquele vestido tão lindo”. Sabe roupa de missa – aquela roupa que a pessoa deixa guardadinha no armário a semana inteira para usar naquela ocasião especial? Isso era tudo o que eu não queria transparecer e exalar. Além disso, a defesa não era da minha pessoa, mas do meu trabalho – isto é, não era eu o foco da questão. Prometo caprichar bem no dia do meu casamento, ou mesmo em futuras festas de aniversário; mas, para a defesa da minha dissertação de mestrado, eu tinha que estar… Bem vestida. E só. Com uma roupa que eu usaria em um dia comum de trabalho. Foi o que fiz. Fotos em breve.
O joguinho
Antes de qualquer evento significativo na minha vida, é fundamental que eu passe horas jogando um joguinho viciante qualquer. Lembro de vés
peras de viagem em que eu tinha malas para preparar, coisas para comprar, e tudo o que eu podia fazer era ficar trancada no quarto jogando Copas. Este, aliás, foi o joguinho que me acompanhou ao longo de toda a redação do texto. Mas, para a defesa, mudei: o joguinho eleito foi este aà de baixo.
A manhã
É óbvio que acordei muito antes do que o despertador mandava; tomei banho, me arrumei, revi meus apontamentos, liguei pra Bel – e ainda sobrava muito tempo livre. Sendo assim, quer coisa mais apropriada do que escrever no blog sobre modelos de lingerie? (Assunto, aliás, muito mais relevante para os descaminhos do mundo do que trabalhos sobre teoria psicanalÃtica.)
A ida
Num dia tão ritualÃstico como este, sÃmbolo – ou pelo menos assim eu esperava – de um crescimento profissional e também pessoal, nada mais apropriado que ouvir o último disco da mulher-que-eu-quero-ser-quando-crescer: Maria Schneider. Ao meu lado, outra mulher que para sempre desejarei-ser-quando-crescer: Eulália.
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:09 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:09 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:11 am
The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.
on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:15 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:32 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:49 am
Where can I find the best online creative writing courses?
on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:52 am
What computer software were computers using before Microsoft was invented? I googled it and couldn’t find any info on it. Thanks and no jokes or dissing please..
on Nov 26th, 2011 at 8:57 am
I currently have a two column Joomla website, however I don’t like the sidebar being on the right. Is there a way to either convert a two-column jJomla website into a three column one, or at least move the sidebar to the left?.
on Nov 26th, 2011 at 9:01 am
What are the most effective WordPress plugins to attract the most relevant traffic and maximize website sales?
on Nov 26th, 2011 at 10:00 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 10:02 am
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on Nov 26th, 2011 at 10:19 am
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