Algumas pessoas têm usado a tag da compulsão, da dependência química, para falar da dolorosa (para os que ficam) hibernação do meu blog favorito. É uma metáfora apropriada, mas metáfora por metáfora prefiro a do luto, e é ela que vou usar. Felizmente, porém, hibernação não é morte, o que significa que não incorrerei no tão manjado comportamento de endeusar o morto quando dele nada se falou enquanto vivia. Endeusarei enquanto está vivo mesmo, graças a deus.
Antes, o necessário disclaimer. Admiro demais essas pessoas que conseguem separar o autor da óba. Quer dizer. Vou ser honesta porque não quero ironias neste post. Eu admiro os que conseguem, mas pessoalmente nunca conheci alguém que tenha conseguido. Que nem o pai que deu para a filha o nome da mãe (dele) e, quando comentei este fato, me disse na maior inocência: “ah, mas não foi por isso não, não tem nada a ver com a minha mãe. É que eu acho o nome muito bonito mesmo.” Ficou bastante claro que nem por um segundo passou pela cabeça daquele homem que, er, talvez ele considere o tal nome tão lindo porque sua mãe se chamava assim, cacildes. Este é só um exemplinho da minha desconfiança com pessoas muitíssimo “bem resolvidas” e que “sabem separar bem as coisas”. Então sejamos honestos desde já: sou confusa e desequilibrada, confundo alhos com bugalhos, para mim a vida e o mundo são uma bagunça onde tudo está sempre muito misturado, e não vou ser idiota de dizer que o singelo fato d’O Biscoito Fino e a Massa ser meu blog favorito não tem nenhuma relação com o fato mais singelo ainda de seu autor ser o maluco que sugeriu cá a esta maluca ir estudar literatura em New Orleans com ele, o que me proporcionou uma vida muito mais feliz e agradável.
Sigamos, então, com a metáfora inicialmente proposta. Decidi invocá-la nem tanto pela questão dos objetos internos que me é tão cara, mas por um aspecto marginal da teoria kleiniana que, desta vez, vivenciei muito claramente: trata-se da percepção de que todo processo de luto, incluindo os mais bem-sucedidos, envolve algum triunfo maníaco sobre o objeto. Aliás, a própria afirmação narcísica do Eu, que decide abdicar do objeto para continuar vivo, já constitui uma defesa maníaca. Tem-se aí uma diferença para com o pensamento freudiano, que considera a mania a contraparte exclusiva da melancolia. Para Klein, porém, alguma mania não só é esperada como inclusive faz-se necessária para que os que ficam sigam vivendo – mania muitíssimo bem representada, aliás, por um dito que meu bisavô sempre proferia ao ser informado da morte de quem quer que fosse: “Morreu? Antes ele do que eu!”.
Todo este entremeio teórico para confessar que, além da tristeza por não mais dispor de um biscoito piscante – sempre o primeiro a ser clicado – em meu Google Reader, tive também sentimentos pouco nobres, mas nem por isso menos importantes, condensados no enunciado: então quer dizer que de fato é impossível dar conta das coisas da vida e, além disso, ainda manter um blog imenso a mil por hora. Ou seja, o fim do meu blog favorito trouxe também um alívio – uma bem-vinda humanização de um ideal de eu que, se eu não cuidar, pode vir a ser bastante opressivo, numa aliança ferrenha com um superego sacana. Esse sentimento não é exatamente maníaco no sentido do triunfo sobre o objeto (como a fala do meu bisavô expressa tão bem), mas não deixa de ser socialmente pouco louvável: com que então você tem coragem de sentir – e, como se não bastasse, alardear! – qualquer coisa que não seja desalento frente a tão grande perda?
Por isso achei tão bonita esta Carta de Hibernação: porque ela teve a bondade e o desprendimento de facilitar essa suavização superegoica nas pessoas (afinal, duvido que eu tenha sido a única maluca a senti-lo). Ela diz claramente que limites existem, que escolhas são necessárias e que nem tudo é possível ao-mesmo-tempo-agora. E, fundamentalmente, ela diz que nada disso é ruim: pelo contrário, o abandono de certos empreendimentos muitas vezes é o melhor que se pode fazer.
Por mais esta lição, agradeço ao Idelber e me recuso a elaborar de vez o luto pelo Biscoito: confio nas palavras do autor de que, uma hora, ele volta. Haja serenidade para esperar.
on Aug 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Oi Cami
entendo o que vc está sentindo: um dos blogs que eu mais gostava de frequentar tbm entrou em regime de hibernação e recebe atualizações periódicas (mas pra mim insuficientes…). Mas fazer o quê, né?
Acho que a internet acaba tomando tempo mesmo e pessoas que têm uma vida para além da internet (o que considero absolutamente “saudável”) nem sempre podem manter o mesmo ritmo de escrita e atualização de blog.
Mas apesar dessa explicação racional, a perda é inegável e seu luto perfeitamente comprensível.
Fique bem!
Bjos!!
on Aug 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Faltou um “e” no compreensível, sorry!!!
on Aug 14th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Camila,
Mandou muito bem, como sempre.
Beijo
on Aug 14th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Camila me levaste ao Biscoito, que pena! Cheguei agora. Faço blog a pouco tempo uns sete meses. Vou esperar contigo o retorno do Biscoito,
quem sabe o tempo dele será menor, do que ele julga.
Bjs!
on Aug 15th, 2009 at 7:23 am
É o blog da Ana Elisa, né? Então, se for isso mesmo, você pode tentar pensar na desaceleração dela como um estímulo para a sua acelerada bloguística… Não? ;)
on Aug 15th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Bruno, seguinte: quando meu próximo analista começar a reclamar do tamanho e do peso do meu ego inflado, não vou hesitar nem por um segundo em te enviar a conta da sessão!
Obrigada pelos elogios, mesmo. Narcisismo é coisa séria. ;)
on Aug 15th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Ah, mas então você está no lucro, em comparação com abiscoitados como eu e o Bruno: existe um mundo de arquivos para você descobrir! Eu já conheço quase tudo – até os posts de futebol e heavy-metal eu li :) Beijos e boa exploração!
on Aug 15th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Foi a primeira vez que xinguei o Idelber :-p
on Aug 17th, 2009 at 8:27 am
[...] de que gosto acusaram o golpe e escreveram posts sobre a parada do Idelber: a minha amiga Camila, o NPTO, o Bruno, e o Alexandre Nodari, entre tantos. Algumas dessas elogiosas palavras dirigidas [...]
on Aug 17th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Concordo com teu ponto de vista.
Já tive muita raiva do Idelber, tentando entender como que ele conseguia conciliar um puta blog com uma carreira acadêmica.
Quando ele joga a toalha me sinto menos inútil…
on Aug 19th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Eu também, editor – e olha que ele já deu o livro mais insuportável da Clarice pros alunos lerem! :-D
on Aug 19th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Eu também, editor – e olha que ele já deu o livro mais insuportável da Clarice na disciplina dele do ano passado! :-D
on Aug 19th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Raiva eu não digo, mas reconheço que o blog dele por vezes fazia eu me sentir uma anta improdutiva – e isso não por culpa do blog, é óbvio, mas por conta dos meus próprios mecanismos psíquicos sem-noção. Um abraço!
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